By Venus O’Hara, Steve Myall
Having a ‘no alarm life’ has had a positive effect on my sleep quality and general wellbeing. If it’s dark when I wake up, I get dressed and go down to the beach, which is just down the road, to watch the Barcelona sunrise around 7.30am. This is guaranteed to motivate me for the day ahead.
If I happen to wake up after sunrise, then I indulge in a session of ‘masturbation and mindfulness’ instead. This consists of staying in bed and reaching for Siri 2 from LELO, my favourite toy from a leading producer of high-quality pleasure products.
After making a green juice, I make my way to my office which is in my lounge and sip it slowly at my desk.
The first thing I do is read my emails and plan my day accordingly. The tasks of a professional sex toy tester can include trying out existing toys and the prototypes of toys that still don’t exist commercially.
Then, I write reviews, make videos and edit them. I make a ‘to do’ list of my daily objectives and then get to it.
Waiting indoors for a delivery is probably one of the most annoying aspects of my job. Although I’m obviously very grateful for the free toys, it’s a real inconvenience to have to stay in and just wait when I would normally get dressed and go to a cafe or a coworking centre.
As I wait, I get on with some admin, social media and reply to emails. Most of my clients approach me via my website venusohara.org to enquire about my reviews.
I don’t just test any old sex toy. Before sending a detailed quotation to a curious client, I check their website to make sure that their products are body safe and that I would use them myself, even for recreational purposes.
Call me superficial, but I must confess that I do judge sex toys based on their appearance. Sometimes I feel as though I’m an objectophiliac; that is to say, someone who gets turned on by objects.
Just the mere sight of these luxury pleasure objects is enough to turn me on and make me want to lie down.
As I sit there and stare blankly out of the window at the beautiful blue skies of Barcelona, thinking about orgasms, the intercom goes. My next toy has arrived. There’s nothing quite like unboxing a new one, even after acquiring over 400 of them.
I always take extra special care as I open the packaging. This is because I intend to repeat the process and include an unboxing element in my video review.
When I hold the new toy in my hands for the first time, I can usually tell at that moment if it’s going to give me a A.
I switch it on and go through its settings to check its strength and multiple vibration patterns, imagining what it might feel like somewhere else.
According to my experience, there are three factors that define a good sex toy: its shape, the strength of its motor and its texture. But today, I’m clueless.
That’s because this particular toy is SONA from LELO, is not a vibrator; it’s a sonic wave clitoral stimulator. I’m not quite sure what that means, but I’m very keen to find out.
After having a good look at it, I charge the toy for a while. I never manage to wait the recommended time for a full charge. That’s because my curiosity nearly always gets the better of me and I simply have to try it.
When I test the toy, I can hear a helicopter in the sky. Given the current political situation here in Barcelona, this isn’t a rare occurrence these days.
It seems dangerously close as it hovers above. I imagine that its pilots looking down at me instead of the protesters as I manifest my own form of activism. After all, I’m raising orgasmic awareness through my work.
From a fly on the wall’s perspective, it may seem as though I’m having a thoroughly fine time as I writhe and moan on my unmade bed. But, in fact, there’s a lot more going on than meets the eye. I’m multitasking.
For example, I’m fantasising and I’m analysing all the key elements for my all-important review simultaneously.
In order not to draw any unwanted attention from my neighbours, I have mastered the art of the silent orgasm. However, Sona makes me scream. I’m in shock at my own orgasmic response and I hope no one has heard.
After I finish, I stare at the ceiling as I get my breath back.
Then, I have a shower, get dressed, and go to the gym. I’m obsessed with body pump – a class of choreographed weightlifting.
After my workout, I have lunch in a restaurant on my own and start writing my review as I nourish myself with organic vegan food.
After all the machinery, I’m craving human connection by this point. I go to a co-working centre and have coffee with a group of expat freelancers who are also location independent like me.
Most of us are single and we invariably end up talking about real sex and sharing our dating disaster stories.
I spend an hour or so working there, finishing my written review and preparing the script for my Sex Toy Laboratory video for my YouTube channel. I walk home and prepare my set for recording in my lounge. Then, I do my hair, makeup and I dress as a scientist with a white lab coat.
The video consists of a product description, a ‘how to’ guide and then I test the toy offscreen. After my climax, I give my feedback in a post-orgasmic state with messed-up hair and smeared make-up. This is usually the second or third orgasm of the day.
When I’ve finished recording the video,I usually meet some friends for tea and a chat or maybe a stroll on the beach. Then I go home and spend the evening editing the video.
So, what about real sex? Well, after 3 orgasms, a session at the gym and walking everywhere, I’m absolutely shattered.
Maybe I’ll sign up to Tinder tomorrow. But, then again, I say that every day and I never do… And as they say, tomorrow never comes. But at least I know that I definitely will.
Culled from Mirror.co.uk